These are the really Yucky Things about getting old:
1. You look old, no matter how you try not to. Friends with facelifts, boob, fanny etc. lifts, still look old. I don’t know of any hand lifts though they may come soon. And lifts are so obvious. Have you noticed Nancy Pelosi’s permanent possum caught in the headlights stare? Maybe she drank too much of her husband’s Dole Pineapple juice but hey, he owns the company. Buy yourself some heavy duty Depends, Nancy. And don’t have anymore lifts or your boobs are going to give you a double chin!
2. You sound old. Maybe not like Ma Kettle - but different from when you were 39.
3. Your language is different and if you try talking like high schoolers, it shows and you sound silly. I don’t know their language nor do I want to use it. For example, apparently, saying, “shut up” is kind of like our saying, “really, you don’t say!” Recently, I heard one girl talking to another one and about every ten seconds, she yelled, ”shut up!” I caught myself sailing into the room with my trusty flyswatter before I realized they were just happily chatting. No, my grands don’t know about fly swatter “therapy” but old habits are difficult for me to break.
4. Even on days when all your meds have kicked in, and nothing or very little, hurts, you just move about differently. Now, we both know that if you try to move rapidly, with energy, you are going to break your fool neck. You’ll miss the second step, the candy wrapper, or the wet spot on the tile. The last time I felt myself falling, I grabbed the back belt of the man in front of me in line at the check out, his wife was not amused. Thank heaven, he was fatter than me so I didn’t pull him down with me. Apparently, I jerked the back of his pants harder than I’d realized as he looked decidedly uncomfortable for a few seconds. Perhaps the fact that I then laughed like a ninny, was not helpful. I offered to pat him but he looked horrified [just kidding].
5. The older I get, the larger the stores grow. I’m fairly sure our Kroger takes up a city block. Since we shop there every week, I pretty much know where everything is supposed to be. Now, I have two problems with that store. I drive one of those scooters and I find it so annoying when oversized cardboard displays follow me around. What’s the point of having nice, wide aisles, when they are filled with silly displays or pallets of goods waiting to be shelved?! The drugstore section is by far the worst. However, I’ve cleaned out their tacky displays so often that they are not as clogged as they once were. So far, I have not been able to get the other scooter drivers to race up the wide center aisle with me. However, I do usually get a big grin from them when I challenge them to a race! One Saturday, an old codger pulled up behind me and yelled,” Either move that thing or park it!” I shouted right back at him,”You go jump in the lake!” The looks on my grands’ faces were priceless! Dee said, “Oh Lordy, I thought we were gonna have a senior smack down right there in the Kroger.”
6. The other nuisance is the high shelves that can only be reached by a giraffe. Unless a family member is with me, this results in my having to lie in wait for a tall person, most often male. I prefer young males because their wives don’t suspect me of flirting with their sweeties.
7. No earthly desire to remarry. Forty years was enough tho’ if he were still living, I’d still be married. I’d never have the patience to housebreak another one! I never intend to iron another dress shirt or pair a drawer full of socks! Yes, I know young husbands have mostly learned to take care of themselves but I wouldn’t be marrying one of those now, would I?
8. People mumble ! Yes, they really do! They should be given voice or elocution lessons! Also, they don’t look at you when they speak and if you ask them to repeat, they yell!
9. Flip flops and even some sandals are OUT! UGG! Gross !
10. Hair color is everywhere in the over 50’s group. I don’t color my hair because I consider my partly gray hair the way a soldier may be proud of a Combat Ribbon. I paid dearly for this gray and I’m gonna keep it! Once I was with a group of women in my age group when I noticed that every single head of hair except mine was the exact same shade - a kind of unnatural orange! Yeah, you know me. I just couldn’t let it go because it was distracting to me while presiding. I made a remark. I wish I’d had a camera to record the looks on their faces as they all looked at each other’s hair. At the following meeting, there were about twelve new dye jobs. Local beauty shops should have thanked me for telling those females that I assumed they were all sisters since they had the exact same color hair—rotten orange! Naw, I didn’t exactly say that.
11. Now after 70 years or so, you pretty much know everything about life but no one wants to hear it. It is kind of like that old joke about Australia, everyone knows it is there but nobody gives a damn!
12. I just plain have got where I like to cuss! Now, I don’t know why—maybe a reaction to my long ago Baptist upbringing. My parents certainly didn’t cuss and barely even used slang, maybe a “shoot” once in a while. I prefer the stronger version of that word. However, I strongly object to taking the LORD’S name in vain and hear it used so casually, I cringe.
13. Words have evolved since I was young. Who decided that the word “feces” is acceptable but “shit” is not? Don’t they mean exactly the same thing? I MEAN, WHO WANTS TO YELL,” FECES” WHEN THEY SLAM THE DOOR ON THEIR FINGER? And take the perfectly good word, “screw” --- or, oh well, perhaps not ………….
14. Nakedness---- female creatures now move around with most of their boobs hanging out. Don’t they realize that a tiny bit of cleavage might be sexy but the whole cow is surely not. Who was it who said when asked if he’d ever seen anything like a particular lady’s cleavage, “Not since I was weaned!”
15. To my way of thinking, stomachs are just there, that’s all. Why on earth would you want to see my stomach? … Checking for scars, perhaps? One of the few times I went with others to a “girly” show, the wife of the couple with us, sat there with her glasses on and loudly proclaimed to the group that each “girl” had definite stretch marks. She and I laughed so hard, we were not invited to go again, Thank Goodness! Now days, stomachs are everywhere, uncovered and shiny!
16. I assume that most homes no longer have full length mirrors. Surely, if boys could see how their t-hineys look when decorated with gross underpants, then jeans, they’d yank up their pants. When my kids were tiny and came to me with their pants hanging almost to their knees, I knew they’d had an “accident” and the sniff test proved it. Now, when I see a big ol’ boy with his pants dragging, I want to yell, “Get to the Men’s Room quick!”
17. People are not usually as rude to old folks as to others. There are always exceptions, of course. My mother used to ask if grumpy people “got up on the wrong side of the bed.” My solution is to explain to jerks that they quite obviously need a good strong laxative! I move away from them before they figure it out, especially if I say it in a very sweet voice.
18. Food- I do really miss some of the foods I have always enjoyed. I used to make the most delicious green salads, using my homemade dressings. Pretty much all raw vegetables are out and some raw fruits. But, come hell or high water [I’ve been pretty close to both] I’m going to eat some of the homegrown tomatoes Dee grows our garden, this summer.
19. I almost hesitate to write about this because it can be such a downer, however it is part of life, especially for old people. We expect, though it is sad, to lose the older members of our families. No, what is unnerving is losing our friends and siblings. I’ve lost several really close friends and family members in the last few years and I miss them. On the other hand, I do often think of the old woman, who when asked what is the best part of being old, replied, “No peer pressure.”
20. The real yucky, scary part of getting old is the fear of senility. Yes, I despise my various and colorful aches and pains, but the real fear of getting old, to me, is the loss of mental capacity. From what I can read and research, the importance of staying mentally active should be accepted and nurtured. Each of us is different in regard to talents and interests. As for me, reading, playing on the computer, and doing a little writing are pleasant. I used to worry a tad about “senior moments” but when my funny, precious, grands announce that they are having a “senior moment,” I realize that tiny mental lapses are just part of the human condition.
Despite all those things, getting old is better than the alternative!
This was made a few years ago, when Dee was in the process of adopting Michael.
Hi Elva. You know, I feel the same way you do. I feel young inside, but my body is so old. My Dad always said youth was wasted on the young. I agree. I think you should start out old and become younger each year. Then you would have all that first hand knowledge when you become young. But, then I guess, it wouldn't be quite as much fun to be young if you knew all the consequences. Take care and I'll be back to read again.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Barb