Old Age Ain't For Sissies

The holidays are special times for getting in touch with old friends and distant family. Sometimes, the visits are by U.S. mail, or phone, or email, but the best ones are the ones where the front door opens and they are right there in front of you!


The day after Christmas, my brother and sister in law came to have lunch with us. Such a nice visit. They prefer a light lunch, as do we, so I just made a big pot of my beef-vegetable soup and Dee made a pecan pie. My son was here so he got in a visit with them as well. I’d not seen them in about 18 months as they live several hours away. I no longer drive trips alone. Dee and the children have to drive me so it gets to be expensive, what with 2 or 3 nights’ motel, two rooms, plus three meals per day for four people.

My brother Don and his wife live in a retirement village, in North Carolina. They sold their big home, in Marietta, Ga., and disposed of much of their household furnishings. They have a cute cottage and love their arrangement which works well for them. It would definitely not be good for me because I would be alone and too far from my children. .I lived alone for nine years and spent part of one summer in a nursing home so know whereof I speak.

Me, Jane, Don

People are so different that the reaction to being left alone after the death of a spouse, may come as a big surprise. For the most part, women do better than men. I’ve spent so much time with both at church related classes and classes I took at the Adult Ed at Augusta college, plus observing friends, that I gained some insight. I’ve done a good bit of informal counseling but did not complete my Psychology Masters. It seems to me that geriatric counseling might be well received along with grief counseling, perhaps in a church or retirement area setting.

Guess my mind really is wandering today but ladies, you could help insure your husband’s well being if you die before he does. Some men fall prey to the “casserole ladies” simply because they lack household coping skills. At least, teach him the bare basics. I have found that the folks my age and older are the ones who lack everyday experience in, for men, doing their laundry , turning on the dishwasher, and using the oven and microwave.

Make a master list of the items you routinely buy at the grocery store every week. I am thinking: milk, eggs, fresh fruit, fresh vegetables, lunchmeats, bread etc. Then make another list of things to check on and buy when they run out. This list could include: coffee, cereal, canned soups, salt, pepper, peanut butter, mayo, preserves, sugar, etc. Another list could include cleaning products, laundry items, paper products, personal items like shaving cream, and deodorant. If you will put this in a little notebook and include clean paper in the back, he can make his list by reminding himself from your list. If you think this is far fetched, just observe older men, usually, wandering around glassy eyed at the Publix or Kroger.

Years ago, my sister in law had elective surgery and was away from home a couple of weeks. Back then, hospital stays were longer. Later, I asked her very bright husband how he got along by himself, knowing she had left all kinds of food fixed for him. Oh, he said he’d got along fine except for the towels. It seems that over the two week period, his towel and wash cloth got awfully grungy……. Of course her laughing reply was that she thought he’d have enough sense to remove clean towels from the linen closet in the bathroom.


Most often, widows need a different set of skills. Foremost of course, is how to handle finances, pay bills, and when to change the oil in the car. Many older women have never driven on trips alone or with just another woman. Mainly, they just lack self-confidence. One would think that in this day and age, they would be fine but often, not so. My husband was the head of Trust Departments in two large banks. Some of his lady customers were left well cared for financially but were terrified that they would run out of money. It was sad that they were so fearful and it could have been averted. Often, if I knew the women I would spend time with them mainly just to try to encourage them.

I wish I could tell some of their stories but am afraid it would not be proper. In my own case, one fellow assured me that he’d be happy to take over my finances and I wouldn’t have to worry about a thing. When I explained that everything I had was tied up in trusts, [not true] he decided that I really was not so cute!

A way to start developing self-confidence is to go ahead and take short trips, with a friend along if you like. After Tony died, I drove back and forth from Augusta to Hilton Head at least a dozen times. Sometimes I had a friend with me, sometimes alone. Several times I also drove alone to Dee’s, in Atlanta, a shorter trip.


One day trip I thoroughly enjoy, is to Dillard, Georgia. Dillard House and Motel is there right in the foothills of the mountains and the fresh air and scenery truly lift my spirits. We usually just drive up there for Sunday dinner. No matter which day of the week one goes, it is just like Sunday dinner! The food is brought to the table, family style, and there is much variety and plenty to eat. I’ve never spent the night there but I believe Dee has. Somewhere we have cute pictures of our kids taken on the big front porch with the mountains in the background. Surely there are places like that or other interesting places one could drive to for a pleasant experience.

My grandchildren at Dillard House last spring.

There are exceptions to every rule. Most of the young folks that I know, men and women, are self-sufficient. So many wives of my generation tended to spoil their husbands, partly because we were home all day with the children. Nowadays, women are working away from home too, and everyone has to pitch in. Also, I know some widows who live within a few miles of where they grew up and have the comfort of old friends and family.


Hmmmmn, maybe we need a non-credit course: Home Economics for old geezers -

Or: Balance Your Checkbook Without Tears.